Winning Monopoly

Ask anyone I’ve played. They all say I cheat. And of course I don’t, but the truth never stopped anybody, so I won’t dwell to long on that matter. I’ll just get straight to it: how do you win a game? And in particular, how do you win Monopoly? I have tried more than a few tactics in my time, so I hope that my expertise (such as it is) will shed some light on this subject. I believe that there is a method which, if employed, will guarantee most excellent victory.

This strategy which I propose is, although ambitious, indubitably the most effective method I have attempted. The method works as follows: buy everything. “But I'll run out of money,” you protest. Well, yes. But you see, there is this wonderful institution, most aptly present in our own lives, by which landowners can make risky decisions, and acquire even more land. This institution is known as mortgaging. Every time you want to buy something, you simply mortgage something else. Since you get half of your money back on every mortgage, you effectively increase your assets by 50%. Wonderful! But of course, that won’t win you any games. No -- those sneaky other players are collecting rent on you, and trying to build their empires. Totally unacceptable. But of course, YOU have a plan. Cautiously, you begin to sell your properties and buy new ones. Most people won’t want to sell anything, but unlike the other players, you don’t look like a threat (since everything is mortgaged), so they should be fully willing to sell to you. And hey, you have lot options to sell to them. A win-win!

Except it’s not. See, they have to un-mortgage everything that they buy, and you obviously won’t sell them anything all that good. So you end up on top, as you hold all the cards. And then you bide your time. At this point in the game, you have probably picked up a piece of property from nearly every match, so you get to play matchmaker. Once you have secured your match, whether by fortune or guile, your gains will begin. Pour ALL of your assets into building up on that match. You don’t need anything else; just get houses up. If you have anything left un-mortgaged, mortgage it. Don’t try to go for two matches: the time for an empire will come, but it is not now. Get as many houses up as possible, and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

And wait even more.

Runnning Machine.jpg

And finally! Some success. By this point, your wallet was looking very light, but the windfall from a single unfortunate soul will doubtless set you well onto the path to victory. But don’t get greedy. Continue to improve your estate, accruing more wealth as your silly opponents cling desperately to their dwindling fortunes. Only upon completing your first estate can you begin to work upon your second. And from here, your victory should be most evident.

Of course, there are other methods to winning, but you should never need to use those. If, however, the dark day comes when your hated rivals use this same strategy against you, I do have a method to save you. I fear that revealing this method may cost me much (at least, in victories), but my heart compels me to share it with you. Use it wisely.

The method? Be the banker. It is a well documented fact that all bankers are blessed with an inexplicable wealth of good fortune and adequate funds. For no reason known to man, these happy individuals seem to dwell above the turmoil of lesser beings, and guided by their just tenets, they ascend to power with a grace and a charm most beautiful to behold. Indeed, it is a blessing to all players to witness the dignity with which these great souls execute their office. I ask you, should not all adversaries simply submit to the inevitable rule of these excellent people? Think well on this; I hope you may see the wisdom in it. And now, having shared some learning, I will take my leave.